I sometimes had dreams that were normal, but normally, I suffered greatly in my sleep. Waking up in sobs wasn’t foreign to me the way that it should be. The way I wished it was.
I felt a sudden pain in my heart. I did not want to get up at all. I had already lived my day out twice, or maybe three times already. Everything that could go wrong had gone wrong, and today was just a normal day. I needed to climb out of bed and wash my face, but instead I looked towards the streak of sunshine slipping through the blackout curtain in disdain. Maybe I could put the day off longer.
I knew it was wrong, and that I wasn’t thinking very straight. I mean wrong as in I will feel horrible about this later I hate myself why am I not getting up why can’t I get up and please just try to get up, but my eyes and the pain in my chest fought those thoughts. I picked up my phone with a hand sneaking out of the covers. It read 9:07 and two minutes until the alarm would blare again, since I’d snoozed it. I hated it, and I hated me, but I hated the thought of actually waking and somehow living even parts of those horrible dreams more. So I canceled the snooze. And I opened the clock app. I turned off the 9:10 alarm. And the 9:15 one. And the 9:25. Shit, I forgot I had one for 9:45 too. I shut them all off, and hid under the blankets.
I know what you’re thinking because I’m thinking it too. All that work, and the horrible dreams, but you want to go back to bed? And what could possibly be on this person’s agenda if she had ten million alarms set. My hand snuck back out and turned on the 11 am alarm, giving up with a horrible sigh. I hoped the dreams would lessen, or better, stop fully.
They won’t stop and you won’t sleep well and your day is going to be horrible and you won’t get anything done because it’ll be 12 by the time u actually get up and 1 by the time you’re ready and how the fuck did you used to get up at 6am and do homework and go to swim practice and do school and go to gymnastics and fucking deal with your parents and still have friends? How don’t you have any friends now? What kind of useless idiot are you?
I peaked out to see the ray of sunshine again. I could hear my heart beating under the covers, and I wished there was a way make myself shut up. Sleep. That was the only way. It was too late though, I could feel it slipping away from me. I turned over three more times before finally giving up. I was awake. I turned off the 11 am alarm with disgust.
You can’t do anything right – not even sleep in, for fuck’s sake.
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